Since first starting this blog, with its two prior postings, I have wrestled with depression and anxiety. I'm not ashamed to say that - it should be possible in the 21st century to acknowledge mental health issues without the baggage of stigma. At the core was a profound sense of loss, ultimately not knowing who I was. Fast forward to today and my marriage has ended as I'm now separated from my daughter's father, who I had been in a relationship with for 15 years. This has come as a huge shock to all, and it's an evolving fluid dynamic where every day is different but equally challenging. Having striven for changes that were not possible to sustain and endured unbearable pressures from keeping the 'family unit' together as I was expected to do, I find myself now in a new phase of life. It's time to come to terms with who I am and stop giving myself a hard time for diverging from my life path. I am a rebellious thirty something and embracing life with renewed vigour!
In making a difficult choice I have allowed myself to see an alternative future. Divorce need not mean the obliteration of 15 shared years of experience. What I very much hope is that it can be possible for one relationship to evolve into another. Love will always be there, a somber realistic entity with a peripheral vista.
I used to have a masochistic approach to my family relationships, one that was ultimately unsustainable. Perspective is unique to each individual. In making what could be seen from one view as a selfish choice, from my own standpoint I am listening to my needs, taking care of myself at the forefront. If I cannot learn to do this I fear for how I will be able to be a healthy role model for my daughter. So I can because I must. As Edwina Currie eloquently said in The Guardian Weekend Magazine, 'I do not regret the time away from my children as they would not have survived into adulthood otherwise'. It's all about balance.
